Monday, August 17, 2009

The August Desert: Forward Haikus

Can you feel the symbolism!?

August is the cruelest month. The dry, barren days of the hockey year. The Leaf's roster looks pretty much set and with Double B chilling out with Team USA for their camp there doesn't seem to be much going on. Actually, it doesn't just seem that way, it is that way.

But then we got reflecting upon the concept of barrenness. Sure, nothing is happening, nothing is going to happen until training camp, the Maple Leaf Gardens of our hearts will receive no moisture for the next few weeks and we must all go into survival mode, taking whatever little bit of blessed hockey moisture we can to keep us from wilting under the hot sun of boredom (aka: August Baseball in Toronto).

So in honor of small bits of life-giving moisture in a parched land, we present to you: The Maple Leaf Haikus of August--for you see, the haiku is the small bit of life-giving moisture of the literary world. So we're going to give a haiku to every player who is probably going to be on the roster. This will be a three-part post starting with that rag-tag bunch: the forwards.

Drink it in, baby!

Niklas Hagman

We pay you a lot
to only deke once a year.
Dude. Seriously.

Jason Blake

Few people like you.
Grabovski especially.
Go back to the Isle

Brad May

Did you retire?
Honestly, no one recalls.
If not, come back mean.

Lee Stempniak

I lobbied for you.
I thought you would be a steal.
You broke my heart, Lee.

Matt Stajan

Dude looks like a child;
A balding child, but a child.
Keep scoring helpers!

Christian Hanson

So pumped! Drop the gloves!
Just like your dad, bust some face!
Tin foil ftw!

Jamal Mayers

There's no way you play
on any line next year. Just... some heart, man!

Alexei Ponikarovsky

On your jersey your
name actually goes down
your sleeve. That's funny.

John Mitchell

Fifty bucks if you
can go all season without
dropping an f-bomb

Nikolai Kulemin

It is no secret
that you are our favorite
of all the lil smurfs

Mikhail Grabovski

Your hair: a lion's mane
Your heart: unquestionably
loyal. Let's flip off Habs!

Colton Orr

You and Jamal Mayers
can fight it out for who wins
lamest fourth liner

Wayne Primeau

Oh yeah! Wayner, you
can join them too. Brian, what's
the deal with these guys!?

Rickard Wallin

Your name is Rickard.
Like the beer! Dude, that is so cool.
Instant fan favorite.

Tyler Bozak

Will you make the team?
Are you the Schenn of 09?
Oracle, report!

Nazim Kadri

Is it Kadri that
you want? Cuz it's Kadri that
we are going to pick.

Hopefully this can keep you hydrated until we get some real meat and potatoes!

Until then, keep the faith

(Edit: Feel like your favorite guy didn't get the haiku he deserved? Write one in the comments!)


eyebleaf said...

Dude, you need to redo the Hagman and Blake poems.

Especially Hagman.

GBDonaldson said...

I really like Hagman, but I always feel like he is just sitting in a lower gear. We have seen what he can do when he gets pissed off or motivated or focused or whatever it is, but I just want to see it way more.
As for Blake, the only reason I tolerate his presence is that he seems to really respect Ronnie, which means that Blake doesn't think it's his team anymore.

You should write some haikus too!

Kleric said...

Beauchemin, Komisarek, Exelby, Scheen

Ouch, Dang, What a Hit

Scoring we don't need no stinking scoring we got hits!

(I suck at Hiaku's)

At least you got Blakes comments right.

eyebleaf said...

You're dead wrong about Hagman.

And the only reason you should tolerate Blake is b/c he puts up back-to-back 60 point seasons, which is exactly what he's supposed to do when making $4 million.

But keep on hating.

kidkawartha said...

Sens and Habs players quivering in their skates.
All of Leaf Nation holds breath.

Kleric said...

Numbers aren't everything "eyebleaf". Constistency, team player, passing the puck etc ... are all part of a team game. Unfortuneatly these things do not appear to be part of blakes game.

Besides, it is not so much 'hating' as it is a loathing dislike of putrid players.


GBDonaldson said...

Yeah, when it comes to Blake I care less about numbers and more about attitude. If you have wheels on the top line and the top PP unit, you'll score goals. As far as I am concerned Blake took Tuckers spot. Remember when we played Tucker like a 2nd line winger and on the PP and he got a bunch of points? That's what Blake is doing, but he doesn't have the right headspace for the team.

But I am willing to give him this season as another chance--Ronnie and Burke will either turn him into a top line winger, or will turn him loose.

Pension Plan Puppets said...

After his first year I'd agree with you GBDonaldson but last year he killed penalties and scored a lot of important goals. Last year really changed things for me.

I love Antropov
Why not bring him back for me
Please Mister Burke Please

eyebleaf said...

Thanks for the tip, Kleric.


Kleric said...

Just curious eyebleaf, is there any player on the Leafs that you do not like or are they all wonderful players?

I do not hate blake. I just think he does not belong on this particular TEAM.